My road needs repaving :)

So I have begun dating again, as of 2 months ago or something. The first person I went out with was a beautiful Asian hippie who played guitar. He was great, but the timing wasn't right (for him). Since then its been a rough road. I don't know if I am being TOO picky, or picky enough with some bad luck. Maybe I should just stop dating again and be lonely like I was. It was far easier. No one to come home to and get a kiss or have dinner made, but also no one to make my anxiety kick in, make my heart hurt or make me frustrated and concerned that I need to change things. My hopes were that during the time I wasn't dating at all someone would have stumbled across my path and it would have just been right. Oh well, I'm not dead yet. Plus the fact that at this point I could care less if I have kids (or really actually get married) then I don't have much of a timeline to follow.

In other news After years of never being invited to any wedding I have an invite to one and I was asked to be a bridesmaid in another. It makes me feel some kind of way, since I hate marriage and think it's stupid, but I'll play along none the less. A coworker is getting married in a couple of months. I am allowed a guest, and I don't know what to do about that. I tentatively offered the spot to Ida, or I could go alone (since I have no automatic placeholder at this time). Ugh, I don't know. I will be Ida's bridesmaid in Autumn 2011. Hopefully it's not an issue that I am totally offering opinions and ideas with stuff. I haven't seen her roll her eyes at me yet :) It's fun to help plan, and in the end I do hope that getting married will be good for Ida and Heidy. I don't have faith for any one's marriage, but not everyone gets divorced.

I want to take a modern (or ballet) class this fall, but for the first time my weight makes me concerned. I had a killer bout of constant anxiety for about a month and a half, which helped me lose almost 10 pounds. I guess I need to get anxious again. I feel helpless sometimes. It's soo hard to get back on track, and I hate that I have no drive for anything. I'm still working on how to fix that.

Life is fine, despite the fact that I bitch about it all. There's great things like Ginger Root Bubble tea, cupcakes and friends!

Hey Crazy, go away!

I really wish I could get rid of the crazy part of my brain. I have been going back and forth between depression that makes it so I don't wanna do anything (but I force myself to work) and some sort of anti-social mania, where I spend a little too much money and become obsessed about things.

A recent obsession is Christopher Titus. I think he just popped in at the wrong time. How embarrassing if he should stumble upon this. That wouldn't be a great impression, would it? I'm not too nutso about it, Chris, I promise. I have neither the time or money to stalk you :)

Anyway... I saw him live 2 days ago. His show was fabulous! Hilarious! Thought-provoking! He also did a meet and greet/signing. I got my ticket and a dvd signed and a pic with him. Gave be butterflies. So then I spend yesterday home ill and doing nothing and it turns into a spiral of me looking at the tour dates for other comedians, and then I remember he mentioned going to the Montreal Comedy Fest so I look at that and realize that in the course of a couple days I could see Titus again, as well as Mike Birbiglia, Bo Burnham and Kevin Smith... omg. The problem is I am way anxious about going alone, and no one likes me enough to take time off of work to go with me. I don't know what to do about that. Damn the internet.

I also just feel like i am going crazy anyway. My anxiety of shopping alone is terrible. I hate being out in public around other people when I am alone. I get warm and fidgety and I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. It's absurd. The horrid feeling of loneliness I have doesn't help either. It's been bad lately as far as feeling like I am on no one's radar. People cancel plans with me, have no time for me. And that's if there were plans to begin with. I am mostly just not on any radars as someone to spend quality time with. I keep trying to say that I 'feel' like I am not on any ones radar, but I truly believe it. It's times like this when I miss being in a relationship, since generally I am at least on that person's radar. Oh well.... the bad part is that the loneliness makes the anxiety worse, which makes the loneliness worse.... SPIRAL!!!!

I hoped that getting all my absurdity on black and white would help it get out... I guess I will see in a few when I try to go to bed and can or can't sleep... and then tomorrow when it does or does not completely encompass my thoughts.

I need a distraction, for sure.

AAAAAAND.... I need to share this blog from Jason Mraz because he is amazing and positive and beautiful inside and out. He definately was a bit of a source of inspiration when I was on the upswing and that blog hit home. I have been uncomfortable lately getting myself to say that I am doing well, as opposed to 'i'm fine.' But when I say out loud that I am doing good, well, great... it makes me feel better and lift my chin up higher. That's one thing I am working on.

I am fucking awesome.... as are you, I suspect... and in the words of Mr. Mraz... 'la la la la la la la life is wonderful...'

<3

I don't do drugs, yo.

So The Blogess was talking about her love affair with Netflix today... which I also have. It's not as serious as my love for Green Day, Eli Roth or the ex- but its pretty killer. She mentioned a movie about cremation that I would like to watch, if I can find it.

Soooo, speaking of Netflix... I have another current love, and thats of stand up comedians. More-so than before, since I started listening to the Nerdist podcast (@nerdist), I Love Movies (@Dougbenson), Comedy Death Ray. Those 3 seem to be involved in an incestuous circle of comedian friends, cause the same people are on each other's podcasts. I like that though, since I get to hear alot of Chris Hardwick/Hard N Phirm, Garfunkel and Oates, Aziz Ansari (oh, another crush), Nick Thune (I loooove his laugh!), so I dig it all. Wellllll, I do enjoy Doug Benson, despite his heavy marijuana use (which I am vehemently against overall), so to be supportive I watched his 'documentary' Super High Me (available streaming through netflix). Well since I watched that Netflix things I love movies about marijuana use! Hmm, maybe the excess of Doug Benson in my life is why I had that crazy weed dream (see previous post). So, while Netflix hasn't been too intrusive, that is one thing I am not digging... I dont wanna watch more pot movies, and if I did I would seek them out. I know I am a major weed prude, but its flat out illegal in NY, so I wouldnt bother getting involved. I also don't like how unpredictable it is, as well as making people lazy and useless... Whatevs...

I did a sick yoga class last week! It aggrivated my sciatica, but I am going ot give it a shot again tomorrow (well I guess today, technically). I haven't been excited to exercise in a looong time, so I have to capitalize on it while i can! I've been battling a bit of a funk over the single life (which I would like ot change if I can) as well as just feeling a little screwed by people. I also consider skating again and then I am reminded of some of the reason I didn't want to and the conflict gets worse... BLARG.

Thats me for now :)

-Be Love.... I am trying...

Friggin Weird Dream, Yo!

OK, so last night I woke with a start around 3:30am. I was face down on my bed and I saw something all over my bed and pillow. It kind of looked like oreo crumbs (no I wasnt eating cookies in bed) but in my mind I thought it was something disgusting. I sat up quick and brushed it off my bed whil efreaking out. Then suddenly all I could smell was pot... I was tasting it to... Now, I don't do drugs, there is none in the house and i am the only one in the house. I check outside my open bedroom window- maybe the neighbors were smoking... RIGHT outside my window... no dice, I didn't see anyone. I finally get up and wander the (very small) house to see if I could figure out what was happening....

I couldnt smell anything outside of my bedroom and i ate a peppermint patty real quick. I went back into my room and it didnt smell anymore. The taste was gone as well... and I fell back to sleep pretty quick.

Now my question is-- what the hell happened? Did I really wake up or was it ALL a dream (I cant definitively find a peppermint patty wrapper that was from last night-- there was a couple on the coffee table. There wasn't any evidence of that 'black stuff' that initially freaked me out either... It's freaky and I wish I could figure it out. Hurts said maybe it was a hippy ghost :)

I guess I will never know.

Like a ride.

I have a bunch of busy, mildly exciting weekends coming up. So as I roll through the normal work week I realize really is like a ride. An amusement park ride actually. I feel like the workweek is like standing in line for the ride. I am talking brand new mega-coaster line. Work and stuff is like me standing in that line tapping my foot and trying to look past the people in front of me to see if I can see the front of the line. Unfortunately weekends are nothing like a roller coaster. I guess thats good and bad. The roller coaster euphamism is usually used to describe a tumultuous relationship. In this case we use it to only describe the fun that the ride in general is.

So most weekends are stuffed with derby stuff. This weekend I will tentatively be going to the Pioneer Valley bout... mostly to watch the mens bout... so that should be all right. Especially if they have Dirty Dozen tees. They are camo. I love rollerboys.

The following weekend I will be reffing for the first time. Yay. The the following weekend its to Boston with Ida and Eloda for a Boston double header.

Than I think I get some time off. I love my chill weekends. Unfortunately then tend to be lonely. I tolerate it. Its the times like these that I miss having a significant other. The guaranteed date, barring no unforseen solo plans. I have been single for over 2 years, and my last date was around 13 months ago. I am totally due for a date, yo!

Anyways, back to the point. I definately need to learn to chill the F out and stop working for the weekend. Time will go, and getting anxious for the next week, day, hour, will cause me to miss some possibly nice things along the ride. I could be making friends with the people in line with me (not literally, unfortunately, cause I am wayyyy toooo shy to meet strangers).

I still need pictures in these posts...

Some People Trip....

"Some people trip... and some people turn that trip into a beautiful, beautiful dance" -John Mayer

I had to save that. I was watching an episode of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory and he and John Mayer faked a horrid drunk club exit. They decided to go out again, but not be jackasses and that was the sentiment John shared with Rob about the whole thing. I thought it was great.

On another note that I wasn't going to bother to share, but since I started... I read an article today re: South Park and the death threats they recieved. They brought back the whoel Muhammed debacle. They were able to avoid trouble the last time they had it as a story line, but it got bad this time. They have never showed an image of the prophet muhammed, yet this time they showed muhammed, allegedly inside of a bear costume. So the radical islamists went crazy and basically said that they could easily end up like the murdered guy who made a movie about islamists absuing women. As a result Comedy Central took it upon themselves to excessively censor the episode. They bleeped out anytime they said the work 'muhammed' and they bleeped out Stan's speech at the end. It would have been great if it was just Trey and Matt being funny, but it was taken out of their hands and the big wigs made that decision.

What really sucks about this whole thing is that we have to be concerned about insane radicals who thing that murder in the name of their god is not just fine, but amazing and great. I will never understand that feeling (let alone the desire to blatantly follow a religion at all). I may love to shoot sideways, but never could I kill a person. It's beyond possible for me to wrap my brain around it all. People like that make me anxious. Just as the crazy bastards shooting up their neighbors in Albany just make me shake my head out of anger and sadness.

I got nothing insightful or constructive to say. Sorry about that. I just think its all stupid. Gangs, bullying, murder in the name of god (by islamists as well as christians, killing gays and abortion doctors...), disrespect, anger... I try to deny ideas and actions such as criticism and negativity being verbally expressed by myself. If i catch myself I stop myself, or at least aknowledge how wrong it was and move on.

I need to start posting pics and stuff.... bear with me. I will try to do that from now on :)

Be Love

-Denise