Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hey Crazy, go away!

I really wish I could get rid of the crazy part of my brain. I have been going back and forth between depression that makes it so I don't wanna do anything (but I force myself to work) and some sort of anti-social mania, where I spend a little too much money and become obsessed about things.

A recent obsession is Christopher Titus. I think he just popped in at the wrong time. How embarrassing if he should stumble upon this. That wouldn't be a great impression, would it? I'm not too nutso about it, Chris, I promise. I have neither the time or money to stalk you :)

Anyway... I saw him live 2 days ago. His show was fabulous! Hilarious! Thought-provoking! He also did a meet and greet/signing. I got my ticket and a dvd signed and a pic with him. Gave be butterflies. So then I spend yesterday home ill and doing nothing and it turns into a spiral of me looking at the tour dates for other comedians, and then I remember he mentioned going to the Montreal Comedy Fest so I look at that and realize that in the course of a couple days I could see Titus again, as well as Mike Birbiglia, Bo Burnham and Kevin Smith... omg. The problem is I am way anxious about going alone, and no one likes me enough to take time off of work to go with me. I don't know what to do about that. Damn the internet.

I also just feel like i am going crazy anyway. My anxiety of shopping alone is terrible. I hate being out in public around other people when I am alone. I get warm and fidgety and I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. It's absurd. The horrid feeling of loneliness I have doesn't help either. It's been bad lately as far as feeling like I am on no one's radar. People cancel plans with me, have no time for me. And that's if there were plans to begin with. I am mostly just not on any radars as someone to spend quality time with. I keep trying to say that I 'feel' like I am not on any ones radar, but I truly believe it. It's times like this when I miss being in a relationship, since generally I am at least on that person's radar. Oh well.... the bad part is that the loneliness makes the anxiety worse, which makes the loneliness worse.... SPIRAL!!!!

I hoped that getting all my absurdity on black and white would help it get out... I guess I will see in a few when I try to go to bed and can or can't sleep... and then tomorrow when it does or does not completely encompass my thoughts.

I need a distraction, for sure.