Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Like a ride.

I have a bunch of busy, mildly exciting weekends coming up. So as I roll through the normal work week I realize really is like a ride. An amusement park ride actually. I feel like the workweek is like standing in line for the ride. I am talking brand new mega-coaster line. Work and stuff is like me standing in that line tapping my foot and trying to look past the people in front of me to see if I can see the front of the line. Unfortunately weekends are nothing like a roller coaster. I guess thats good and bad. The roller coaster euphamism is usually used to describe a tumultuous relationship. In this case we use it to only describe the fun that the ride in general is.

So most weekends are stuffed with derby stuff. This weekend I will tentatively be going to the Pioneer Valley bout... mostly to watch the mens bout... so that should be all right. Especially if they have Dirty Dozen tees. They are camo. I love rollerboys.

The following weekend I will be reffing for the first time. Yay. The the following weekend its to Boston with Ida and Eloda for a Boston double header.

Than I think I get some time off. I love my chill weekends. Unfortunately then tend to be lonely. I tolerate it. Its the times like these that I miss having a significant other. The guaranteed date, barring no unforseen solo plans. I have been single for over 2 years, and my last date was around 13 months ago. I am totally due for a date, yo!

Anyways, back to the point. I definately need to learn to chill the F out and stop working for the weekend. Time will go, and getting anxious for the next week, day, hour, will cause me to miss some possibly nice things along the ride. I could be making friends with the people in line with me (not literally, unfortunately, cause I am wayyyy toooo shy to meet strangers).

I still need pictures in these posts...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Some People Trip....

"Some people trip... and some people turn that trip into a beautiful, beautiful dance" -John Mayer

I had to save that. I was watching an episode of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory and he and John Mayer faked a horrid drunk club exit. They decided to go out again, but not be jackasses and that was the sentiment John shared with Rob about the whole thing. I thought it was great.

On another note that I wasn't going to bother to share, but since I started... I read an article today re: South Park and the death threats they recieved. They brought back the whoel Muhammed debacle. They were able to avoid trouble the last time they had it as a story line, but it got bad this time. They have never showed an image of the prophet muhammed, yet this time they showed muhammed, allegedly inside of a bear costume. So the radical islamists went crazy and basically said that they could easily end up like the murdered guy who made a movie about islamists absuing women. As a result Comedy Central took it upon themselves to excessively censor the episode. They bleeped out anytime they said the work 'muhammed' and they bleeped out Stan's speech at the end. It would have been great if it was just Trey and Matt being funny, but it was taken out of their hands and the big wigs made that decision.

What really sucks about this whole thing is that we have to be concerned about insane radicals who thing that murder in the name of their god is not just fine, but amazing and great. I will never understand that feeling (let alone the desire to blatantly follow a religion at all). I may love to shoot sideways, but never could I kill a person. It's beyond possible for me to wrap my brain around it all. People like that make me anxious. Just as the crazy bastards shooting up their neighbors in Albany just make me shake my head out of anger and sadness.

I got nothing insightful or constructive to say. Sorry about that. I just think its all stupid. Gangs, bullying, murder in the name of god (by islamists as well as christians, killing gays and abortion doctors...), disrespect, anger... I try to deny ideas and actions such as criticism and negativity being verbally expressed by myself. If i catch myself I stop myself, or at least aknowledge how wrong it was and move on.

I need to start posting pics and stuff.... bear with me. I will try to do that from now on :)

Be Love


On the ride

"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller

Cliche quote? Hell yes. It's a bit fitting though. I have decided that I have either 'seen the light' or I am bipolar. I think I always knew I was on a slippery slope to mental illness. I was a VERY shy kid. Then I was a codependent teenager with jealous tendancies. Then come the codependent young adult with depression stage. I lost the love of my life towards the end of college... that's right, I'm saying it publically. Well I part lost, part let go, part screwed up... whatever. I kept my shit going, got a job and am on my 3rd 'real' job since college. Its fine, not great but it's legit work. I work for the state as well, so I have benefits and all that. Stable and all that. Life ain't so bad.

I thought it was for a bit. Since losing the boy I attempted and failed at another relationship, and have been single for about 2 years since that ended. That was for the best. I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown in Spring 2009, about a year ago. I didnt eat more than a meal a day for 2 weeks, I cried alot... it was soo weird. I had to force myself back to roller derby practice (I do roller derby, btw) and keep going to work. I was able to level out and push through the roller derby season. FF to October 2009. I lost it again. I don't want to leave the house unless necessary. I didnt' go to derby for the months of November and December. I went out occasionally thanks to the support of a couple of key friends. They were and still are irreplaceable. There's no way I could tell them how much it meant for them to stand by me despite the crazy. My social anxiety (ok, anxiety in general) was sky high at the time as well. I had trouble controlling my anxiety as well as anger. I switched meds and eventually they helped a little. I went back to practice, but, for a number of reasons, could not get myself back into normal practice. I liked working with the newbies, who I felt wouldn't judge me. They also have not lost my trust, so they were like fresh air.

I assessed my options long and hard at this point. I really only had 3-- 1.) suck it up and skate with everyone; 2.) LEAVE and 3.) ref. I chose #3 for the forseeable future, as it kept me in the league and on skates, but the major stress was off. I realized that the only reason I wanted to skate was for the spotlight of it. My pride was the only part of me that wanted to be a skater. I so easily blend into the background and was afraid to lose my only leg up, being a rad skater. Boys don't see me (hence the singledom for so long), at least not as date-worthy, and if I didn;t skate it would be worse. Well... screw my pride! The stress that was coming with being a skater was breaking down my mind. How is that good in the long run?!

So, I am now a referee. I like it. I still get nervous that I suck and I will screw up a bout, but I just need more practice. I was a flawed call-taker at work at first, but almost 2 years into call taking I am now pretty good :)

Anyways.... blah blah blah... I can't pinpoint when it happened, but within the last month or so I realized that my life overall need an overhaul. I have alot of anger in me, which is never healthy. I don't think I was ever horribly negative, but that would probably be next, especially because I was finally ready to date again... (I had basically given up on wanting to date from spring-fall 2009- I had a couple terrible dates and wa sa little shell-shocked... I needed time). So I am ready to date (while also anxious and depressed), but fat and unattractive to boys. Pessimism was imminent-eek! Something clicked though. I knew I needed to be optimistic, calm, not a wretched shrew. Thanks in part to the likes of Jason Mraz, Brad Warner (both of whome also have blogspot blogs, btw) and a little force on my own end I tried to fill my world with optimism. Jason's music is all quite positive (plus he is a proponent of 'Be Love') and Brad has authored multiple books about Buddhism. Another shock to my psyche was the deaths of some public figures who were almost my peers. Andrew Koenig committed suicide, Corey Haim died (not sure of that outcome, though he struggled with drugs through his life)... ummm, who else... There was a number of high profile suicides and deaths. I think I may have just remembered one thing that really shook my core related to that. I realized that these people could have soooo easily been me. I have a history of depression, with a history of suicidal ideation. I could have easily drowned my sorrows in alcohol or drugs. Thankfully I was never good at functioning under the influence so I never did that kind of thing unless I had the next day off, which was seldom.

So I got nervous that I could have easily been a statistic, that my brain was full of hate and that I really wanted to be happy. This is where the concern of possible bipolarism kicks in. I have been able to put on an optimistic POV lately. I re-read Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner (and have gotten and started the 2 books that have followed so far), with plans to put zen buddhism into practice. I am trying to exercise more, or at least get more yoga in. I know life doesn't suck and I am trying to be optimistic about a possible future love life. But why have I found it relatively easy to be positive lately. Was it pieces falling into place? Was it my meds finally working right? Am I just manic?!!? If I am manic then it's a matter of time until I am depressed again, so I am voting for one of the other options.

I am kind of re-starting a new journey. I stopped off at the last destination for far too long, and now I move on. I am learning about buddhism, with hopes that I can catch on to the zazen stuff and can really put into practice the views of Zen, cause it makes more sense than alot of other faith systems out there. My only concern at this point is that it's been very confusing so far. I hope I am just thinking to hard about it and continued practice and learning will help me understand better. I should try to find a real teacher. One step at a time.

So I am now on another ride of life. I stepped off the bumper cars and have finally boarded the Desperado Plunge (Local 6 Flags reference). It's now late, and I can't think of any other horrid quotes to put in here. I have tons going on in the near future, and I hope to share it here. I will try not to forget... though I don't expect anyone to read it. I will leave you with a special quote, which will soon be on my body forever in ink....

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live..." -Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone

More about that later...

Be Love