Saturday, April 24, 2010

On the ride

"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller

Cliche quote? Hell yes. It's a bit fitting though. I have decided that I have either 'seen the light' or I am bipolar. I think I always knew I was on a slippery slope to mental illness. I was a VERY shy kid. Then I was a codependent teenager with jealous tendancies. Then come the codependent young adult with depression stage. I lost the love of my life towards the end of college... that's right, I'm saying it publically. Well I part lost, part let go, part screwed up... whatever. I kept my shit going, got a job and am on my 3rd 'real' job since college. Its fine, not great but it's legit work. I work for the state as well, so I have benefits and all that. Stable and all that. Life ain't so bad.

I thought it was for a bit. Since losing the boy I attempted and failed at another relationship, and have been single for about 2 years since that ended. That was for the best. I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown in Spring 2009, about a year ago. I didnt eat more than a meal a day for 2 weeks, I cried alot... it was soo weird. I had to force myself back to roller derby practice (I do roller derby, btw) and keep going to work. I was able to level out and push through the roller derby season. FF to October 2009. I lost it again. I don't want to leave the house unless necessary. I didnt' go to derby for the months of November and December. I went out occasionally thanks to the support of a couple of key friends. They were and still are irreplaceable. There's no way I could tell them how much it meant for them to stand by me despite the crazy. My social anxiety (ok, anxiety in general) was sky high at the time as well. I had trouble controlling my anxiety as well as anger. I switched meds and eventually they helped a little. I went back to practice, but, for a number of reasons, could not get myself back into normal practice. I liked working with the newbies, who I felt wouldn't judge me. They also have not lost my trust, so they were like fresh air.

I assessed my options long and hard at this point. I really only had 3-- 1.) suck it up and skate with everyone; 2.) LEAVE and 3.) ref. I chose #3 for the forseeable future, as it kept me in the league and on skates, but the major stress was off. I realized that the only reason I wanted to skate was for the spotlight of it. My pride was the only part of me that wanted to be a skater. I so easily blend into the background and was afraid to lose my only leg up, being a rad skater. Boys don't see me (hence the singledom for so long), at least not as date-worthy, and if I didn;t skate it would be worse. Well... screw my pride! The stress that was coming with being a skater was breaking down my mind. How is that good in the long run?!

So, I am now a referee. I like it. I still get nervous that I suck and I will screw up a bout, but I just need more practice. I was a flawed call-taker at work at first, but almost 2 years into call taking I am now pretty good :)

Anyways.... blah blah blah... I can't pinpoint when it happened, but within the last month or so I realized that my life overall need an overhaul. I have alot of anger in me, which is never healthy. I don't think I was ever horribly negative, but that would probably be next, especially because I was finally ready to date again... (I had basically given up on wanting to date from spring-fall 2009- I had a couple terrible dates and wa sa little shell-shocked... I needed time). So I am ready to date (while also anxious and depressed), but fat and unattractive to boys. Pessimism was imminent-eek! Something clicked though. I knew I needed to be optimistic, calm, not a wretched shrew. Thanks in part to the likes of Jason Mraz, Brad Warner (both of whome also have blogspot blogs, btw) and a little force on my own end I tried to fill my world with optimism. Jason's music is all quite positive (plus he is a proponent of 'Be Love') and Brad has authored multiple books about Buddhism. Another shock to my psyche was the deaths of some public figures who were almost my peers. Andrew Koenig committed suicide, Corey Haim died (not sure of that outcome, though he struggled with drugs through his life)... ummm, who else... There was a number of high profile suicides and deaths. I think I may have just remembered one thing that really shook my core related to that. I realized that these people could have soooo easily been me. I have a history of depression, with a history of suicidal ideation. I could have easily drowned my sorrows in alcohol or drugs. Thankfully I was never good at functioning under the influence so I never did that kind of thing unless I had the next day off, which was seldom.

So I got nervous that I could have easily been a statistic, that my brain was full of hate and that I really wanted to be happy. This is where the concern of possible bipolarism kicks in. I have been able to put on an optimistic POV lately. I re-read Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner (and have gotten and started the 2 books that have followed so far), with plans to put zen buddhism into practice. I am trying to exercise more, or at least get more yoga in. I know life doesn't suck and I am trying to be optimistic about a possible future love life. But why have I found it relatively easy to be positive lately. Was it pieces falling into place? Was it my meds finally working right? Am I just manic?!!? If I am manic then it's a matter of time until I am depressed again, so I am voting for one of the other options.

I am kind of re-starting a new journey. I stopped off at the last destination for far too long, and now I move on. I am learning about buddhism, with hopes that I can catch on to the zazen stuff and can really put into practice the views of Zen, cause it makes more sense than alot of other faith systems out there. My only concern at this point is that it's been very confusing so far. I hope I am just thinking to hard about it and continued practice and learning will help me understand better. I should try to find a real teacher. One step at a time.

So I am now on another ride of life. I stepped off the bumper cars and have finally boarded the Desperado Plunge (Local 6 Flags reference). It's now late, and I can't think of any other horrid quotes to put in here. I have tons going on in the near future, and I hope to share it here. I will try not to forget... though I don't expect anyone to read it. I will leave you with a special quote, which will soon be on my body forever in ink....

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live..." -Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone

More about that later...

Be Love


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